This time of year for most of us comes with a higher number of opportunities for human interaction – you know the kind – with our families, extended families, old friends and acquaintances. There are those we are forced to endure at such functions as company parties, social events and the shopping malls. It seems we are thrust into spending a lot more time with humanity during this season, and I have been wondering if we really take advantage of all this opportunity for our own sense of well-being, or do we see it as a burden, something we have to do, something we do with very little conscious awareness, or even dread?

On one hand, getting together with people can be enlivening, fun, festive generating lots of good feelings. On the other hand, we experience many other effects that under normal times we could do without, such as all the negative feelings and memories of being in the presence of people we don’t like, had some  rough history with, or who we are still trying to live up to some standard set in times past. Then there is all the “keeping up withs” and “looking better thans” and “I need to buy…” self talk and pressure that goes along with all these events and interactions that always pop up during these times. No wonder, that while we forward to this season, most of us can’t wait for it to be over. How sad, exhausting, and such a waste of time!

Close proximity to family and friends brings up old baggage, old memories, old hurts, and old fears. Adults who have been away from home for years often feel like 10 years old again. Relationships that used to be threatening, difficult or painful all come right back when face-to-face with the original trigger. What starts out to be a time of such promise, love and happiness too often ends up with us having some kind of negative experience.

We do have some options, if we choose to increase our awareness. We can use this time to keep the same-old same-old going, or we can look for, even expect a totally different result. It is all up to each one of us, and we have to consciously choose, for if we don’t, we will no doubt unconsciously slide right back into our old patterns and get the same undesired outcomes.

For me it all boils down to three pathways we have at our disposal as we meet this season head on.

The first path I call Humiliation – a catch-all word that has us trapped in a deep soup of negativity. The second path is Forgiveness, which offers so much opportunity for healing, growth and greater intimacy (the non-physical kind we all deeply crave with those we care about). The third path is the path of Joy, which is our natural, authentic state of pure happiness, love, acceptance, peace and harmony.

Let’s look at humiliation first. If we stay or go unconscious, we will play in the sandbox of humiliation (it’s the automatic default program we grew up with). This is where routine activities like judging, comparing, worrying, loathing, one-upping, reacting, blaming, defensiveness, sarcasm, even narcissism constantly play out in front of you. Our old stories, dramas, excuses, false identities, victim-hood, conditioned responses and masks show up, almost without our awareness that they have inserted themselves right into the driver seat of our life. Whenever we tear another person down, or tear ourselves down, humiliation is present. We all know the rancid feeling humiliation offers – the deep cuts that hurt, the embarrassment, the feeling of shame, a sense of worthlessness and despair. Humiliation allows us to win, make ourselves right, get back at someone, even a score, punish someone, elevate our status, draws attention to us and makes people feel small.  Humiliation is subtle because it wounds without anyone drawing a weapon or laying a hand. Humiliation puts us into negative states of thinking and feeling that often seem to radiate from us even when we don’t say a word. Humiliation is sneaky, and you really must have some self-awareness of your thoughts and words or you will continue running the same old patterns and tapes, getting the same undesirable results.

We can hang on to our old companion humiliation, and let it run and do its damage, or we can choose to heighten our awareness, pay attention to our thoughts and feelings, and intend not to succumb to it this season. What I do is simply pay attention to my feelings and thoughts, and if I am in a situation where I can feel any of the old tendencies getting ready to pop, or am in the middle of any form of humiliation, I can check in, see what I am feeling, name it, own that it comes from me, and then choose another feeling I want to feel. Just this quick process, in the safety and comfort of my own mind, can help me stop using some form of humiliating violence to another. When I see myself judging, I can stop. When I sense I am dropping into an old pattern, I can just notice it, acknowledge it, and choose to let it go. If you do all of this without judging or being harsh on yourself, it will shift your mood quite rapidly. And if you did start some damage, it will allow you retrace your steps, make amends or peace, and move into more healthy and loving space. It’s your choice…which will you choose?

Anytime we get triggered from our natural state of love-peace-joy-happiness-caring-contentment-abundance we have an old issue looking to either play itself out like it always has or, perchance, to be resolved and let go. Deciding to stop the flow of humiliation is a very powerful tool we can tap into that will make this holiday time very memorable.

Be aware of who and what triggers you in some form of humiliation. Prepare yourself when around those triggers and stay aware and watch the situation change right in front of your eyes!

Forgiveness is the second mindset to consider. Given that we all have participated in and have been attacked by humiliation, we have a choice here too – we can continue to carry all those heavy bricks on our back or we can decide to let them go and drop to the ground. People we have history with often come with past damages. Old wounds, hurts, stories, broken promises, whatever your interpretation of past experiences are still inside, just waiting for the right face, word or symbol to immediately resurrect painful emotional scars. Deciding who needs forgiveness and forgiving them is a very powerful way to release the burdens of the past and make room for a new future.

Forgiveness is the best way to re-invent your past. Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is the ability to finally move on; it’s the letting go that frees you from the prison of the past. Ask yourself what is the payoff to holding on to all those old grudges, hatreds, jealousies, pain, resentments and suffering? When you forgive yourself and others for the past and present you create a new future.  Forgiveness has real healing power – you just need to choose to tap into it. Forgiveness requires that two parties are forgiven – the offending party and yourself. Whether you do it in the presence of another, journal/write it out, or deeply connect with it mentally/emotionally and release all the energy, it doesn’t matter. Forgive them for what they did, and forgive yourself for any part you also played. I guarantee that if you give yourself the gift of forgiveness, you will forever change your life, and others, for the better!

Who needs forgiving this season – spouse/significant other, mom, dad, brother, sister, grandparents, friends, bosses, co-workers? Are you ready to forgive?

Our last choice point this season is simply joy. As one of my favorite authors Robert Holden says, “Joy is unreasonable happiness, the soul of happiness.” It is felt in the body, mind and emotions. While describing joy is difficult, we all know how it feels. We have many names we use to define it: love, passion, bliss, ecstasy, happiness, contentment, serenity, empowerment, gratitude, deep connection, satiated, vibrancy, enough-ness, ‘in-the-moment’ flow, and more. Holden also notes, “Unless you cultivate an awareness of joy, no amount of pleasure or satisfaction can make you happy.” We all have had joy in our life, maybe for just moments. But the deep feeling is unmistakable. I know it is our natural state, the one we seem to deny so much of our waking time.

Like the other two, joy is also a choice. We can choose to be joyful or not. We can let our conditioned mind keep us away from it, or we can amp our awareness and look for joy within. It is always in there-you don’t have to rummage around to find it. But to tap it you need to make an awakened choice and be aware of it while you experience it. My choice is to make joy the only thing I want --- all the time, in every situation. What is your definition of joy? How often do you experience it? Would you like to walk through the holiday season with more joy? What would more joy in your life do for you, for those around you?

If we all had more joy, we would edge out humiliation, and allow the healing of love and forgiveness to permeate every cell and relationship. Joy makes everyone right, perfect, enough, loving, deserving. Joy dissolves pain, hurt, the past, guilt. Are you ready for more joy? Just choose it!

As my son Kevin Jr. said so succinctly this morning about humiliation-forgiveness-joy: “Ok, so someone humiliates you in some way, you feel it and are aware of it, you forgive them, and then move on to some aspect of joy.” Such perfection in his wisdom!

My hope for all of you is a JOYFUL season.

Namaste!

Kevin Rafferty

· Do you ever slow down enough and pay attention to what'sgoing on in your head?
· When you have a decision to make, who / what part of you makes the decision?
· When alone, do you experience thoughts that are very different from yourcurrent reality?
· When alone with just your thoughts, do you witness an endless stream ofthought-after-thought, or do you have moments where there seems to be Youthinking?...and if you do, who is the You at that moment, versus the you thatis in the endless sea of randomness of thought?

In conversations with clients, we often look at the thinking process itself.This process, while so important to our functioning as effective human beings,mostly goes on automatically, habitually, robotically. The Buddhists call themind that rattles a constant stream of endless thoughts our"monkey-mind." When you think of it that way, we all instantly getthe metaphor - our thoughts jumping around inside the cage of our mind likemonkeys do in a cage at the zoo. For most people just about all of the timethis is the mind we tap into to run our days, our life. This is why, after wegrow up, we are so grooved into our ways of thinking, our beliefs as truth,that we just rely on monkey-mind and let it run in auto-pilot.

But in those precious few moments, when we allow the monkeys to rest, and westep into the cavern of our mind, who does the thinking there? When we slowthings down a bit, and allow our inner voice to check in, who is that voice,and are how often are we listening to it?

You know that voice, or gut-feel... it's the one that brings up a thought basedin your own truth. We can access this aspect of ourselves, but do we? We canlisten to that inner whisper, nudge, stating our truth quite simply andeloquently. And if,  do we most of thetime, upon having such a profound truth before us, immediately follow it upwith one of the most damaging words in the whole dictionary - BUT! For example, when you are really pondering a problem, and the truthful answercomes into your mind’s eye, and you know it's what's right and what you shoulddo, that insidious word BUT enters and you start to either rationalize, judge,tear apart, mock, lose faith in, or diminish your truth that just a millisecondago seemed so right.

Try this next question on for size and see if the BUT comes in to play:"My passion in life is to ____." As you see the deep answer(s) comeinto your awareness, just sit with that truth. See how long you can hold on tojust this one pure answer. Chances are as soon as you do, one or many BUTS willfollow immediately behind, without you inviting them in. The BUTS will tell you"ah, you can't do that," or "there's no way you can make moneyat that," or maybe even "who do you think you are to imagine suchthings." Soon your truth is overwhelmed by the monkey-mind’s conditionedresponses, its fears, its limiting beliefs, and becomes lost in the cloudy seaof your mind. Truth tried to get out, but our ego conditioning kept us frommanifesting it.

In order to get to your authentic self, you must know your own truth. We can'ttake for granted what we believe we believe our truth is, we must look deepinside for the sense, the feeling, of our own truth. To parrot what others saydoesn't mean it is truth. To authentically think for ourselves is the only pathto truth. We have to slow down, make room, and ask the right questions. Then wehave to quiet our mind enough to sense the truth. When we get the monkey-mindresponses, we have to just let them go and get back to seeing our truth.

Today we have so many diversions to keep us so busy we cannot find time andenergy to slow down, and quiet ourselves. TV, cell phones, emails, texting,social media sites, extra workloads are all 'crack' for the monkey-mind, who isever more ravenous for vehicles to distract us from reaching and living our owntruth. The challenge is to ask your self: "Am I living the life I want,have always wanted, or am I living the default life that came to me without myauthentic self's permission?" "Is my life meaningful to me, am Imostly happy, fulfilled, living with passion, or is most of my time filled withcomplaining, judging, gossiping, worrying, anger, upset, insecurity,frustration, disappointment, despair, or fear?" If you want to know whereauthenticity resides, just start getting to the truth of these two questions.

Authenticity comes from deep with each of us, never from without. As one digsfor truth, and sees its loving power, and allows it to become a living part oflife, then one can know what else is possible. Beware the monkey-mind -- itwill always run in the background unless we rise above it. Start payingattention to what goes on in your own mind. Just increase your own awarenessabout yourself, and you can begin the process of allowing your authentic selfto emerge!

Namaste,

Kevin

Authenticity is a deeply desired state. Most want to live a life on their own terms, feeling free to think, choose and experience life without constraints. While most feel they are being “real, open, honest, or independent,” true authenticity is mostly hidden beneath the veil of our ego, past conditioning, beliefs, fears and stories. Truth be told, these have been running our lives on auto-pilot since early childhood, and secretly drive most all our thoughts, feelings and actions during waking hours today.

Believe it or not, the barrier to authenticity is our own state of mind. To see this for yourself, just close your eyes in a quiet space, and observe/listen to the thoughts in your head. See how many are focused on past or future events, and center on worry, doubt, anger, frustration, regret, jealousy, insecurity. See how many thoughts are judging you, others, your situation in life, and your worthiness. How many of your thoughts trigger you and hijack you into some reactive emotional tirade that says and does things that you deeply regret afterwards. It’s hard to be authentic while the best part of you is overwhelmed by the ego-based side of you most all the time.

Authenticity is what we all want to express, but it would be irresponsible to go about life thinking the negative can be ignored, thinking it will subside if we do not give it attention. On the contrary, knowing the power of our fears, thoughts,and emotions that have turned into our beliefs is a key step to our own personal liberation. It is not just thinking positive thoughts that will get you what you want. You have to understand how the entire physical/ mental/ emotional/spiritual system known as YOU really works, and in the knowing, even of the darker shadow side of you, you will find your authentic power.

Since we live in a world of contrasts, we are forced to look at everything as two sides of the same coin. To know love, we have to experience fear. To know happi­ness,we also learn sadness. The same is true for peace and conflict, abundance and lack, freedom and constraints, winning and losing, and giving and taking. As adults, we know these states all too well and we are self-defined by how much of the aspects we experience in either the positive or negative.

Authenticity begins by increasing our awareness. In order to realize and live the truth that  is wholly are own, we must see with authentic eyes what is really going on that drives our thoughts, actions and lives. The good news is that the best way to deflate the hold our past programming, beliefs and fears have on us is simply to just see—observe--put your attention on the “it” that’s preventing you from thinking happy, loving, joyous, peaceful, free and prosperous thoughts. It is that simple, and at the same time very difficult to do, or remember to do. Most of the time we are off on some negative thinking/feeling mindset, and don’t even remember that our authentic side is just on the other side of all these unconscious, automatic thought responses.

Wake up! See the truth in how and what you think, where your emotions hang out most of the time. If you are spending most of your time in some form of judgment,criticism, condemnation, anger, fear, jealousy, helplessness, worry, pessimism,guilt, disappointment, anxiety, doubt or regret, see it in the moment, as it is. Do not judge or criticize yourself for it, just see it, and see that it came from inside you. As you see it and own it, without judgment, the power of the negative energy dissipates, and the return to authenticity is on.

When your awareness recognizes love, peace, freedom, contentment, joy, excitement,enthusiasm, passion, gratitude, acceptance or happiness, know that your authenticity is pouring through. As you own your awareness, you can always bring these positive emotions into it. When you allow these into your awareness, they immediately help reveal yourself to the world. So just pay attention to what you are thinking, feeling, doing. By increasing your awareness, your life will be filled with more happiness, peace, love and abundance

Authenticity is a choice—what do you choose for you?

Until my next post, Namaste!

Kevin

Connecting to Your Authentic Self

Authenticity is the complete puzzle of who we are—being seen for who we are--not what we do, what we own, or our past and present stations in life. Authenticity directly leads to being happy, living life on your own terms, and finding fulfillment, peace, joy, and freedom in your life.

Authenticity is our birthright. It constantly sits behind our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, goals, passions, values, and strengths. Authenticity is waiting to shine through to the world. Our task is to become aware of its presence, be courageous enough to come face-to-face with it, and to be loving enough to walk with it during our waking hours.

The path to personal authenticity is directly connected to our level of happiness. I cannot think of a better reason to live authentically than, in doing so, we increase significantly our ability to be truly happy. Living truthfully, honestly, openly and with­out fear frees us to choose to be happy in any moment we desire. When we can fully live our life as it was meant to be lived, we are happy, right then and there.

Authenticity and happiness are choices to make. The absence of happiness is an indication that one is not in tune with his or her authentic Self, and is a symptom of living in reaction to fear, or a lacking in the natural power of passion, the clarity of vision, and the real­ization of joy, peace, freedom, love, and abundance. When we get naked, with ourselves first, then with another, then others, finally the entire world, we experience living as it was meant to be—fearless, carefree, curiously child-like, adventurous, and exciting.

When we experience authenticity, happiness is the natural outcome. When we walk our truth, communicate with openness and honesty, and seek to be present as much as possible, we have no other outcome other than happiness to enjoy. Authentic happiness is a state of being, one that is our greatest gift to ourselves, to those we love, and to the world. When we are aligned with our authenticity, the power of hap­piness plays positively with everyone and everything that is within our sphere. Words cannot do justice the potential outcome from one living in authentic happiness.

The search for authenticity begins by taking the first step, which in my experience is to begin a process of deep self-reflection:

· Are you willing to ask yourself the big questions?

· Are you willing to put everything in your life up to full scrutiny?

· Are you ready to discover your own answers to these questions?

· Are you willing to re­lease old thoughts and belief patterns as you find your own truth?

· Are you ready to make clear your passions, values, visions, and life purpose?

Deep reflection opens the door to personal awareness—an awareness that is not parroting what you have been conditioned to believe, or what first flows through your thoughts/words/deeds. It comes when we quietly and honestly look within, and listen to the deep, inner voice that we all have access to, but often keep blocked or buried. Authentic awareness speaks through the sound of feelings—when we feel it is right. That is awareness!

Connecting to authentic happiness is through knowing and living our basic essence. That essence is a combination of living life with passion, adherence to our values, creating and moving toward a compelling vision for our life, fully exercising our natural talents and gifts, and living with a strong sense of meaning, fulfillment and purpose. It all starts with increasing our awareness—stop sleepwalking, stop reacting to events unconsciously, stop living habitually—and start living more in the moment, be more alert to your thoughts and emotions, be aware of your choices, wake up to your our conscious thinking. As we take charge of our lives, and live more authentically and in the present moment, we can choose our own definition of happiness in every moment. Life then is vibrant, energetic, peaceful and loving. Isn’t that worthwhile?

So, if you want to live authentically, and to be genuinely happy, remember this easy formula below.

AUTHENTIC HAPPINESS =

Awareness + Passion + Values + Vision + Gifts + Purpose

Namaste!

Kevin

Authenticity is a popular word these days. Many authors and speakers on human development, psychology, spirituality, and motivation speak about being authentic, living authentically, and expressing one’s Self from a place of authenticity. While this word may be newly circulated, its roots go way back, deep within the history of mankind and the varied texts that have attempted to capture the true nature of the human spirit.

The word “authenticity” comes from the Greek root authentikos, meaning:

- author, authority, original, primary.

The dictionary definition of authenticity includes:

- not false or copied, genuine, real, free from pretense or hypocrisy, sincerity.

Thus, being authentic means you are the author and authority of your life. It means the truth—your truth—fully exposed! It means being real, no phoniness, pretending or masking who you really are. It means being totally comfortable in your own skin.

My definition of authenticity is to know yourself, your real Self, and to live that truth in every moment. Know who are you at the core, and be that person in your daily life. Being awake and aware of your thoughts and feelings adds to the definition.

Having freedom from being held hostage by your ego and all its fears and demands, and just being who you really are at any moment, are elements of authenticity. Playing in roles that are a true expression of who you are is a way we show authenticity. Connecting with others without masks, willing to “get naked” and let others see you for everything you are is how intimacy plays a crucial part in authenticity. Willingness to walk away from situations where you cannot be yourself is a way we maintain authenticity.

Authenticity is not a skill or something we can buy. It comes from deep within, and when you touch it, you know it, you feel it, and so does everyone around you. Authenticity is about aligning your words with your deeds. It is also about practicing what you believe and preach. Authenticity requires that you get to know yourself, intimately. It also beckons you to be able to relate openly, honestly, with others at any time. Authenticity exudes passion, generates its own energy, is easily recognizable, and creates such things as joy, abundance, and happiness.

We become authentic one moment at a time. We choose authenticity in every thought, every feeling, every action and every creation.

Authenticity equals Truth. Truth you feel with every fiber of your being. Truth lives in your heart, not your head. You know it when you feel it. Truth resonates as a “feel good” feeling or sensation in your body. We use our intuition, our feelings, to keep a reliable barometer on finding our own truth and in so doing you will find yourself!

Authenticity is being the real You, without concern for what others may think of you. Authenticity is having the courage to be that real You, with no need for masks or cover.

The search for authenticity begins by taking the first step, which in my experience is to begin a process of deep self-reflection. Are you willing to ask yourself the big questions? Are you willing to put everything in your life up to full scrutiny? Are you ready to discover your own answers to these questions? Are you willing to release old thoughts and belief patterns as you find your own truth? Deep reflection opens the door to personal awareness—an awareness that is not parroting what you have been conditioned to believe, or what first flows through your thoughts/ words/deeds. It comes when we quietly and honestly look within, and listen to the deep, inner voice that we all have had access to, but often keep blocked or buried. Authentic awareness speaks through the sound of feelings—when we feel it is right. That is awareness!

Authenticity is the complete puzzle of who we are—being seen for who we are, not what we do, what we own, or our past and present stations in life. Authenticity directly leads to being happy, living life on your own terms, and finding fulfillment, peace, joy, and freedom in your life.

Within each person, hidden behind their fears, doubts, and worries, lies an Authentic Self. This wise, loving and powerful "Higher Self" is the sum total of your unique passions, values, visions, talents, abilities, and sense of purpose. This “Higher Self” is, as Steve Snyder says in his blog (http://bit.ly/5ictx), “your true and unique identity — the doorway to personal and professional mastery, to purpose and passion in your life, right here, right now.”

Ancient teachings say the Authentic Self comes from that creative spark that emerged to create the entire cosmos. We experience it, at the level of consciousness, as an energy, an impulse that seems to continuously strive to create, improve, expand – evolve - at every level of life. It’s a most powerful drive, a passion that emerges from the ground of consciousness itself. Each living person is connected to this consciousness and has continuous access to this basic, most natural state, whether aware of it or not. When we become aware, and begin to live within the flow of that awareness, we tap into our authentic state, our most natural state of existence. When in this state, this state of conscious awareness, we live in the authentic states of joy, peace, love, freedom, abundance, gratitude, and other 'feel-good' sensations. Whether we tune into it for a moment, minutes, hours or a lifetime, this vast evolutionary conscious energy is always available to all of us. All we need to do is put the attention, intention and effort into tapping into it.

I developed a formula that may help see how authenticity drives other positive states of being:

AUTHENTICITY = AWARENESS = PRESENCE =

CONSCIOUS CHOICE = PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY =

FULFILLMENT = SELF LOVE & ACCEPTANCE = HAPPINESS.

Everyone alive, at their core, wants to feel good, be happy and have a good life. Authenticity allows all of us to live such a life. That in itself is enough motivation to re-focus one's attention and efforts from reaching for happiness through external sources, and to simply look within for your own well-spring of truth, joy and fulfillment.

In upcoming blog posts I will delve deeper into authenticity, how we can manifest an authentic life, what the benefits of authenticity are, and what hi-jacks us from living an authentic life. I ask and encourage readers to post comments, ideas and experiences on this blog to keep the dialog going forward. I do not claim to have all the answers, but I am sure we all can find them together.

Until my next post . . . Be well and happy . . . Namaste!

Kevin